Where in the World is Rachel?

“Ah, life’s forever changed now, so it has.” 

The lovely, aging midwife said knowingly as I looked up at her in helpless new mom stupor. 

“You’ll be filled with a compassion for everyone. A compassion you never knew you had. Soon you’ll be crying at commercials!” 

She laughed then continued in her soft Ulster brogue. 

“Motherhood. It changes you.” 

As I sit here, reminiscing on my pre-baby life, my nearly eight-month-old son has just become infatuated with the radiator dial (mental note to google “baby proofing radiators.”) Looking up from the baby’s exciting endeavors, my eyes take in our living room, which is now, as the Nirish would say, “an absolute tip.” How do those instagram parents keep their houses so tidy?

We’ve moved outside to a less hazard-filled spot. Clearly, writing will have to be done a bit at a time. Just like most things nowadays, I smile to myself. No one  can truly prepare you for motherhood, just like no one can prepare you for anything. I read a lot of articles and had a lot of friends with kids. And man, parenthood looked…bad! The stress of losing your independence and free time? Never being able to go to a movie or sleep in on a Saturday? Getting pooped and/or puked on literally everyday? No thankee! I was way more interested in researching travel options than onesies. 

Then along came Josiah. And I’ve never felt such delight. Watching him fumble around in some weird crab-like army crawl while squeaking in ecstatic joy is the best entertainment I could have asked for. You watched a great film last night? Well my kid learned to sit up. That’s right, sit up! Do you know how many muscles it takes to do that? He’s basically Thor. Ate at a lovely restaurant? My kid tasted a lemon for the first time. And yes, it was hilarious. There’s literally nothing I’d rather do than hang out with my little family and enjoy life with our son. 

The waves of love for this tiny person when he looks up and smiles in my face (or for that matter, screams in it)are indescribable. It’s a love that’s unconditional, overwhelming, all-encompassing, and humbling. I often stare at this little wonder and think,

 “So, that’s how much God loves me? More? Impossible!” 

And then he attempts to claw off my face like a tiny lobster with his newfound pincer grip. 

Sure, it’s hard, just like anything! But so is starting a new job, or moving to a new country. The newborn stage was especially rough. I distinctly remember calling my oh-so-far-off mother in America in a delirious haze, begging to know if it would always be like this? New parents also know the profound relief of discovering the baby white noise YouTube (32 million hits and counting!) And birth? The worst. Halfway through, I recalled all those women who said they’d do it all again for their child and thought they were either nearing sainthood or crazy. And then came Josiah. 

Nothing could have prepared me. No one could have warned me. My heart was surely as cold as ice until it was warmed by the love for this little boy. I may not have always deeply wanted children, but I wanted him. And yes, every step thus far has had its hard parts, but I’ve come to realize hard doesn’t necessarily mean bad. In fact, there’s so much that’s good about being a mom, all the hard stuff really doesn’t weigh up to the incomparable joy of this little boy. 

“She’s only eight months in.” More experienced parents may say. And yeah, you’re right. Perhaps, it’s a really sweet stage. But no matter if he’s 2, or 12, or 45, one thing won’t change: he’ll still be my kid and that love is unshakable. Everyone was right. You’ll never know how God feels about you until you have a kid. So, if you’re like me and are freaked out by all the bad press parenting gets, just remember, hard doesn’t mean bad. In fact, hard can mean the greatest thing you’ve ever done. 

     Jessie awoke the next morning in her dorm room after a night of little sleep. Her mother's story had replayed in her dreams, mixing with her own current drama. It was time to get up and get ready for the long-awaited appointment. This was it. This was the end. Would she ever tell her family, she wondered? Or wasn't the point of all this to avoid that, to keep up the illusion of the perfect little girl, leading the perfect little life? If only David was there, he'd help her sort her confused thoughts. And yet, she knew exactly what David would have to say about this matter. 

She dressed slowly, carefully, staring in the mirror at the dark circles forming around her eyes. She'd decided to wear black that day to cover up any signs of a bump. The dark color coupled with exhaustion gave her a washed out, corpse-like complexion. 

"Who exactly is dying today?" She thought soberly.

Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to finish getting ready. Stepping outside her dorm, she jumped in surprise at the sight of someone waiting on the other side of the door. For a moment, her heart rushed at the thought of David showing up to be with her. Instead, she was greeted by the foreign exchange student she'd seen so much of lately. 

"Jessie? I'm sorry to bother you at your place," she spoke slowly, clearly trying to perfect her English. Jessie pushed away a feeling of frustration. This girl was everywhere! 

"I have a gift for you and for..." she looked around, "the baby.”

“Last night, I couldn't sleep, I felt so much that God wanted me to give it to you today."

Opening the tiny bag extended by the girl, Jessie's heart did a lurch. There, at the bottom was a tiny stuffed velveteen rabbit. It was clearly a baby toy. Her eyes filled with tears as she held the rabbit softly. Giving the girl an unexpected hug, she whispered a choked "Thank you!" and quickly rushed away.

Throwing herself and the present in the car, she sped down the street like a maniac. It was now or never. She felt her will weakening. Pulling into the Planned Parenthood parking lot, Jessie grabbed her purse and walked inside. The familiar confident coldness swept over her as she signed in at the desk and sat down to wait. 

Soon enough, she was taken into an examination room similar to a doctor's office. Jessie's mind fluttered back to the office where she'd first told David of Teddy's existence. 

Teddy.... 

She hadn't called him that in days. In fact, since she'd made the decision to abort, she'd put aside all thoughts of any sort of humanity living inside her. It was a procedure, a problem to be dealt with like any other. And yet the room was cold, so cold. There was a heaviness here she couldn't describe. It was unlike any doctor's office she'd ever known. But why? At last, a gruff looking doctor came in. She was cool and collected to such a degree she seemed to lack all warmth. Jessie felt as if this person was a mirror to her own soul. A living, breathing representation of what she would become after that day. Finally realizing the woman was speaking, Jessie tuned in. 

"Today, we'll be checking the growth of the fetus in order to determine what steps we need to take for an elimination. All of our procedures are outpatient, so there's no need for you to miss work or school."

The terms reflected the woman, cold, severe, and brutally to the point. Her entire manner invited no questions. 

"If you could just lie down on the table and pull up your shirt, we'll begin. "

As Jessie did as she was instructed, the doctor put the cold gel on her stomach. A feeling of nausea overwhelmed her as she stared up at the ceiling. She tried to remember her father holding her hand when she was getting stitches as a little girl. She told herself this was just like that. 

"Just a simple procedure...." she repeated the words in her mind.

The ultrasound screen was pointed well away from her view. The doctor looked intently while poking the probe deeply into her stomach. Suddenly, Jessie felt a kick. This was no flutter. This was a hard, very human kick from someone who did not want to be poked! Jessie's eyes widened, wondering whether the doctor had seen what she'd just felt. Then, just as she started to relax, another well placed kick hit the probe in the doctor's hand, nearly knocking it on the floor. Out of nowhere, Jessie began to laugh. Teddy wasn't going out of this world without a fight. And she wasn't going to let him. Quickly wiping off the gel from her stomach, Jessie sat up. 

"This isn't for me. I'm leaving."

A strangely righteous anger overcame the doctor. 

"If you leave now, you'll never be able to come back in. That fetus is at 5 months gestation. The laws in this state do not provide for any later terminations. You're barely out of High School. Is this what you want? To be strapped to a baby for the rest of your life? A single mother without a chance in life?"

With the sharp discernment she was known for, Jessie threw the question back. 

"That's what you were, weren't you?" 

The doctor's anger was quickly replaced by the former coldness. “I made my choice. I finished my degree and now I help other women to do the same.”

Without another word, Jessie turned and left. As she walked out the door and into the sunlight, she felt as if a huge weight had finally fallen off her shoulders. Tears came to her eyes as she grabbed her stomach gratefully.

"I couldn't do it, Teddy! I couldn't do it!"

Then all at once, a man ran up to her car. 

"Jessie! Jessie! I got your text. Please, say it's not too late!" 

For there, in the middle of the Planned Parenthood parking lot stood the dishelved boy she couldn't forget. A smile lit up her tear stained face. 

"David!"

The weekend flew by faster than Jessie could have imagined. While expecting disaster, she'd found relief. And yet, on Sunday night, as she packed her bag and got ready to leave for school, a deep heaviness overwhelmed her. Tomorrow was the dreaded appointment and the end of something. After that, there would be no more flutters, no more little kicks. 

"Jessie?" Her mother knocked on the door. 

"I've got some more of your laundry here."

Jessie opened the door to the sight of the top of her mother's head just barely peeking out from a mountain of folded clothes. She never did seem to remember the laundry basket. 

"Thanks Mom." Jessie smiled, taking the load," Let me take those." 

Her mother lingered. 

"Do you mind if I come in for a bit? It doesn't seem like we've gotten much time together this weekend and I haven't heard how my favorite daughter is doing." 

The warmth and kindness nearly melted Jessie's resolve. She was too close now. She had to end this tomorrow and nothing could stop her. 

"I'll be honest sweetheart," her mother paused. "You've seemed burdened lately, like you've got a lot on your mind. I could grill you for information, but the Lord has told me not to," she gave a knowing smile. 

Jessie looked over in surprise. It never ceased to amaze her how accurate her mother's reading of a situation was. 

"Instead, I've felt prompted to tell you a part of my story I've never shared.  Now, I don't know what sort of trouble you may have found yourself in, but I never want you thinking you can't come to me and your dad, or that we haven't known troubles ourselves."

Jessie nodded slowly, wondering where this was going. 

"You know, I didn't grow up in a Christian home, but I did have a good knowledge of what was right and wrong. Everyone has their own particular temptations, but mine was men."

Jessie's eyes widened in surprise. 

"I know it's hard to imagine your perfect mother being tempted by anything," she gave Jessie a sarcastic wink.

"But I didn't have Jesus in my life at that point and I was looking for love just like everybody else. My father was a good man; a strong one, and a firm disciplinarian, but even a good home wasn't enough to stop a girl from looking for a greater fulfilment. In my teen years, I had a few boyfriends. They were their own sort of trouble, but in many ways, they were stepping stones to lead me into even greater sins. After the tumultuous end of another relationship, along came another man. He was different than anyone I'd been with before. He was older, hard-working, incredibly charming, and...married." 

Jessie stared at her mother in perfect disbelief. 

"I was even younger than you are now when I entered into that relationship. For six years, I lived a tormented double life. Oh, he handed me all the usual lines about his wife not being suited to him or understanding him etc. But even though I was madly in love with him, the whole thing never did sit well with me. And yet, I couldn't seem to leave him. Now, believe it or not, I would have called myself a Christian at this time. At 16, a friend had led me to the Lord and I had never forgotten that experience. One day, in the midst of the turmoil that was my life at that time, I decided to go to a church I had heard about recently. Oh, Jessie, it was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. The fire of God was there in magnificent ways. People were weeping before the Lord, calling out to Him in genuine repentance and He was there! You just felt it. I don't know if you've seen or experienced that kind of power in your life yet, but it's earth shaking. I started coming back to that church every chance I got. In that presence, the presence of God, I felt that wholeness and love that I'd been looking for my entire life. It was glorious. There was something greater, more pure and lovely than that toxic relationship had ever given me and I had to have it. Jesus was my pearl of great price. He gave me the strength I'd never had to leave that man. I repented completely of the life I'd been living. What garbage it was in comparison to being with him! After that, I knew what I had to do. I called his wife and confessed everything. The years of betrayal, the utter wrong I had done her. I even asked for her forgiveness. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Before I knew it, I had packed up my car and was moving across the country and back in with my parents. It was scary, but it was right.Finally I knew peace. At last, I knew joy. No more torment or double living. Only a few years later, I met your father and the rest is history."

Jessie sat in subdued silence, absorbing this new side of her mother. Strangely, the shocking confession left her with a profound respect for this petite little woman. 

"Do you remember when I used to read you and the boys the story of the Velveteen Rabbit?"

Jessie nodded. 

"I'd sit and cry every time and you kids would laugh at me. But that little bunny was me. Ravaged by life and fit for nothing but the fire. There was nothing about me that deserved or inspired love, but Jesus came, picked me out of the fire and made me into a new creature, with a new life and I've loved Him for it ever since. He can do the same for any of us my dear." 

With a kiss on her daughter's head, she picked up the rest of the laundry and left Jessie alone, accompanied only by her thoughts. 

 As Thanksgiving loomed around the corner, Jessie's nerves were on edge. Much to her relief, her college friends had all but given up texting and calling. The strange thing about being at the top of the social strata, was how easily you could be toppled. Thankfully, with the cooler weather, her small bump was easy enough to hide under cozy sweaters and jackets. Teddy's kicks became harder and more insistent every day, but at least her situation wasn't eliciting any gossip in that direction. Avoiding all elements of a social life was easy enough, but spending a full on weekend with her family was another matter. Everyone would ask about David. 

She caught herself smiling, thinking about other holidays they'd spent with her folks. Her younger brothers would follow him around with a puppy-like admiration, even holding back most of their smart remarks in an attempt to impress him. Her father's respect was met with her mother's doting. Jessie often laughed that she was replaced as the darling of the family whenever David was around. How would they feel about him now if they knew the truth? Jessie grimaced at the thought. 

The worst part of the weekend would be the charade of happiness she knew she would have to put on. She'd finally made the appointment with Planned Parenthood for the following Monday. After a month of fence sitting, Jessie was only sure of one thing. She wanted her life back. Although she'd never stoop to asking David to come back, she missed her friends. She missed the sparkling future before her. She missed fun parties and nights on the town. A baby seemed so out of season and definitely not on the cards right now. 

As she pulled up to her parents' driveway that night, Jessie took a deep breath. This weekend was going to take all the strength she could muster. A sudden, loud thump came from the front of her car. Her teenage brother's "dead" body slid down the windshield while her other brother let out the scream of a banshee. 

"You've killed him! At last the fiend is dead!" 

"Wait what?" the zombie arose and tackled his brother onto the front lawn. 

With a laugh, Jessie grabbed her bag and got out of the car. An older neighbor walked by without a remark on the familiar scene of the boys wrestling it out before God and man. 

"Hello, Mrs. Rosenbalm," Jessie called out. 

"Happy Thanksgiving, dear!" the lady shouted politely over the ruckus. 

"See you inside boys," Jessie laughed again as the tension of the last month fled away. It was so good to be home. 

"Mom, I'm here!" She yelled toward the kitchen, dropping her bags at the door. 

True to form, her parents were in the midst of a deep political discussion, with the evening news blaring loudly in the background. Jessie stood in the doorway with a wry smile on her face as they railed about the latest missteps of the Governor. She had often said her parents' love language was politics. At last, her mother noticed her with a start. 

"Oh Jessie! I didn't see you there. Give me a hug."

As her petite mother wrapped her arms around Jessie's much taller frame, her throat welled up. What wouldn't she give to be able to tell all and not face the consequences? If they knew what she had become. Her heart gripped with sadness and shame. Turning to her father, she gave him an aggressive bear hug, holding on longer than usual. She wanted to preserve this moment in time. The only daughter of the family, completely trusted, utterly loved.