My Grown Up Thanksgiving List
6:14 PM
Last month, as people posted their Thanksgiving thankfulness lists ad nauseam, I tried to cheer myself up by making one of my own. It came up pitifully small.
1. Nathan's not dead.
2. I'm not homeless.
You see, I've been disappointed with God lately and this has deeply affected my outlook on life. To be honest, I've kept Him at a quiet distance while dealing with grief over my circumstances. Even though I still loved Him, that precious trust I had in His goodness felt shattered.
When I look back over the past 30 years of my life, I've seen God come through in the most desperate of times, even taking the most drastic of measures. And yet, in the moment when I needed Him most, He didn't come through.
I took a trust fall and He let me face plant.
The question "why" has remained unanswered and I am left speechless with loss. And yet, even though I have stayed far from the one who hurt me, He has remained closer than ever, a silent partner in my life.
Like a child "running away" to the edge of the driveway, I knew deep down I wasn't going anywhere. But still, it hurt. If my God can walk on water and raise the dead, could He not have also given me a visa?
This stalemate between God and I was already starting to crumble as I burst into tears over a Facetime call with my husband. After much prodding, Nathan finally got me to speak about the grief welling up in my heart. Out it spilled, onto the phone and all over my man's spirit. As he listened in silence, a kind smile touched his face.
"Rachel, if I love you and want to listen to you this much, imagine how much more God wants to do the same."
I was taken aback. Not just by his words and the love behind them, but by a memory. Years ago, I experienced a horrible series of losses. As I stood in the ashes of my life, I came very close to walking away from God completely. And yet, as I recall, the worst part of that time was having to walk through it alone.
I may be standing in the ashes once more, but this time is decidedly different. As I contemplated the very great gift my husband is to me, a light dawned in my heart. Though God did not prevent these losses, He did send someone to walk through them with me. He is my provision for the storms of this life.
I never thought he'd come. I'd completely given up hope that a man like the one I prayed for even existed (let alone would want me back.) And yet, here he is. He has made me feel like a princess in a tower, fought for, adored. He treated me like Jesus did and then honored me still further by making me his wife.
It may be well past Thanksgiving, but I have decided to re-write my list, this time with a slightly less cynical tone.
1. I am thankful for a kind, gracious husband.
2. I am ever so thankful for a God who will never leave or forsake me
Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits
3
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's
Psalm 103:2-5
2 comments
Really awesome and heartfelt.
ReplyDeleteKudos to your husband.
Please never give up on God. He's always here for you!
Remain Blessed
Kelvin Osondu
VerseTab Founder
Wow I don’t know your story but this spoke to my heart because in many ways I can relate. Thank God that He is always there no matter what God bless you for sharing your heart.
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